“Lord, my husband is asking me if I
want to go scuba diving during our vacation to Bali, Indonesia.” Before replying to my husband’s email, I took
a moment to pray. I’ve never gone scuba
diving before. In my heart, I posed the
question, “Is this what You want,
Lord?” As if Jesus placed His Hand on my
heart, He reassured me with His Peace.
He lovingly spoke to my heart saying, “I have something I want to show
you.”
Having only two months to get certified
as a scuba diver before leaving on our trip, I researched dive shops. I finally settled on a nearby shop, took the online class, passed the knowledge test, dove
in the deep end of a heated indoor pool, and dove five times in a local river. After throwing up my
breakfast banana in the river, due to motion sickness, I was certified! I announced to my dive instructor that
anything I could do with my husband was a good thing, especially for our marriage.
It took us maybe 24 hours to fly to
beautiful Bali, with stops in Moscow and Singapore. I did not anticipate my ankles swelling from
sitting upright in a seat for so long.
Many times throughout our trip, my romantic husband allowed me to rest my
legs on his lap, especially during our bus tours across the palm-tree studded
Bali island. We were celebrating our 25th
Wedding Anniversary.
I kept my eyes open to see what
Jesus wanted to show me, especially during our two days of scuba diving at the Tulamben
Bay 120m USAT Liberty Shipwreck and at the Blue Lagoon & Jepun. We were thrilled to see a color-changing reef
octopus eating a crab, two majestic emerald and chocolate brown 2 ½’ sea
turtles, two haunting moray eels, and a straw-colored stingray kicking up sand
on the ever-changing sea bottom.
I also saw silver tube-like cornet
fish the size of flutes; black and white remoras (shark suckers); many spotted
juvenile sweetlips; huge vase-shaped beige sponges; a spotted garden eel; a
yellow boxfish; a map pufferfish; a black pufferfish with a dog-shaped head;
spiny devilfish; a flasher scorpionfish; a leaf scorpionfish that blended
perfectly with the coral; two 5” thornback cowfishes that kept checking on each
other; broadclub cuttlefish; a foot long squid that I could see partly through,
with its dangly tentacles hanging down; a freckled goatfish with its trailing
beard; several 12” cornhusk blue starfish; striped nudibranches (sea slugs); a
peacock mantis, a peacock razorfish; longfin bannerfish; black ribbon eels that
looked like swaying weeds in the sand until you swam close, and they popped
back into their holes; a winged helmet gurnard; a black and white snowflake
moray eel, slithering on top of the coral; and a 3” anemone crab crawling
around its constantly moving home.
At one point, my dive master put the
palms of his hands together, facing up.
We were about 15 meters below the surface of the water. At first I didn’t understand. This wasn’t like any of the other hand
signals that I carefully observed him doing.
Finally, I swam closer to see his hands better. There, about two inches above his palms was a
rare and tiny sea creature called an ornate ghost pipefish, about one
centimeter in height. It looked like a
miniature sea horse, almost transparent, with just a few dots of pink on its
minute body. Wow, I thought. This must be what Jesus wanted to show me –
how His beautiful, creative life could dwell
in something so small.
My God is so deep! This was only the tip of the iceberg. There was something else He wanted to show
me, about who I am, and who He is calling me to be.
I will never forget her face, her straggly
hair, her soft eyes, her crooked teeth, her sorrowful expression, forever burned
into my soul. My husband and I were
standing at the entrance to the outdoor/indoor Badung Traditional Market in
Denpasar City, where we had just finished our hour-long shopping spree for the
required sarongs (rectangular cloths wrapped around the waists of both men and
women) and sashes (scarves worn like belts on top of the sarongs) that were
necessary to don before entering the Balinese temples. Waiting for our tour bus to arrive, we happily
passed the time by taking pictures.
A brave petite Balinese girl
approached me with her little palms up.
She must have been five years old.
I knew she was begging me for money.
She was joined by her shy younger sister. I had about $80 worth in Rupiah tucked safely
with my passport in my pouch hanging from my neck under my shirt. My first thought was I wish I had money in my
pocket to give to her. It would be so
much easier to get it out. Instead of
taking out my money, I took off my fragrant ivory and mustard-colored plumeria
lei, which I received upon arrival at the Denpasar-Bali (DPS) Airport, alongside
90+ other homemade leis that were graciously given to our group of tourists to
welcome us to Bali. I tried handing it
to her, but she wouldn’t take it. She
frowned. I put my necklace back on.
Then her mother stepped in front of
me, with those imploring eyes that I will never forget. She touched my left arm ever so softly and
said, “Good for me, good for you.”
Immediately I understood that my money was good for her, and giving it
to her would be good for my salvation. I
wondered how many people would beg me for money during our trip. What would my husband think if I gave her
money – that I was doing the right thing, or that I was irresponsible?
She stroked my arm gently again,
“Good for me, good for you.” She nodded
her head, looking for agreement.
I felt trapped. I felt tested. I thought about Jesus at the Judgment of the
Nations (Matthew 25:31-46), and my mind was aflame with the question, “Lord,
when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?” (vs.
37) The answer seared my soul, “Amen, I
say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did
for me.” (vs. 40) I knew these Holy
Words of God. Just a month before our
trip in my Lectio Divina Prayer Group, I had studied, meditated, and contemplated
the Lord in prayer with these exact words.
Then why did I look away from her
penetrating eyes? Why did I search for
my husband in the crowd to be with him and not her? She followed me.
Standing beside me, she caressed my
arm again. “Good for me, good for
you.” Why did she keep telling me this
over and over? I asked her for her
name. She said, “Mary.” My face lit up. I said, “I love that name!” I gave her my name. We talked a little. She said she had three children. I told her I had five. But still, I was unwilling to give her any
money. I thought for sure that if I gave
her money, it would put a huge breach between my husband and I. I knew how he felt about situations like
this. To be fair, he would much rather
donate to known, researched, charitable organizations. I wanted to prove that I could be responsible
with the money he gave to me, and that he could trust me.
But at the same time, I felt like my
heart was ripping out of my chest, yearning to do what was good for Mary, and good
for me. Internally, broken and bleeding,
I said, “I will pray for you.”
To my great relief, the tour bus
finally arrived, and I hurried across the street with my husband in the crowd,
avoiding mopeds and diminutive cars.
From the other side of the street I couldn’t see Mary anymore. She was gone.
That night in our luxurious hotel
room, after sleeping a few hours, I woke up with an urgent desire to pray my
rosary. I only prayed a few beads when
my face flooded with tears. How could I
have been so cold-hearted? Like Peter, I
had denied our Lord three times. “…and
the Lord turned and looked at Peter; and Peter remembered the word of the Lord,
how he had said to him, ‘Before the cock crows today, you will deny me three
times.’ He went out and began to weep
bitterly.” (Luke 22:61-62) I could not
stop thinking about Mary and her children and my lack of generosity. Lord, have mercy, Christ, have mercy, Lord,
have mercy on me, a poor sinner!
I remembered telling Mary that I
would pray for her, which I sincerely meant with all my heart. It took me a long time to pray that
rosary. I had to get up from kneeling
three or four times, thinking that I had finished crying, to blow my nose and
wipe away my tears.
In prayer, I placed Mary and her
children and my husband and I inside Mary, our Mother of God’s, Immaculate
Heart. I prayed fervently for our
repentance, conversion, and salvation. I
begged Mary, my spiritual Mother, to forgive me. I felt like I had refused to give my alms
personally to her when I didn’t give myself totally and completely to her
child, this Balinese woman named Mary.
The fact that she and her children were the only ones who begged me for
money during our entire trip had a profound impact on me.
“See, upon the palms of my hands, I
have written your name; your walls are ever before me.” (Isaiah 49:16) When I read this a few days later, I pictured
God writing Mary’s name, and her children’s names, and my husband’s name, and
my name on the palms of His Hands. I
knew that God loved each of us dearly, but I was still in a fierce struggle to
forgive myself.
“You open wide your hand and satisfy
the desire of every living thing.” (Psalm 145:16) How beautifully generous God is! Why can’t I be generous like that?
The next day I was praying the
Divine Mercy Chaplet, and feeling like the greatest sinner. I was thinking about Jesus dying on the cross
for me, a sinner! How could I ever atone for my own sins? Then I heard my sweet Jesus speak to my
heart, “I will do it. I
will offer Myself in atonement for your sins.”
At that moment I knew I could not rely upon myself at all for my
salvation. Only Jesus can save me. I can only rely upon Jesus. He is my entire hope. I am completely at His Mercy.
I stopped looking to myself,
wallowing in self pity. I turned my
heart to Jesus. Only He can forgive me,
and heal me, and restore my soul. “My
hope is in You, Lord! Yes, please offer
Yourself in atonement for my sins. Thank
you, Jesus, with all my heart and soul!
I am so dead without You.”
After our 28 hour trip back from
Bali, it took several days for me to get used to our local time. My days and nights were mixed up
for sure! I would rise in the middle of
the night, wide awake. I spent a
multitude of intense, sorrowful hours in prayer, still trying to understand
myself, and everything Jesus showed me in Bali.
In prayer, Jesus picked me up like a
little girl, and sat me on His Lap. I
was dirty with sin and dressed in rags.
My soul looked worse than the little girls who begged me for money. Jesus showed me a vision of Himself, hanging
on His Cross. I could see His beating
Heart. Jesus spoke to my heart saying,
“My Heart beats for love of you. I hide
you in My Wounds.”
Then Jesus handed me to Mary, His
Mother. She gently sat me on the
ground. Without saying anything I knew
she was asking me if I was ready to see what she wanted to show me. Then she spoke to my heart. “I’m going to show you this only because I
love you.” In a vision I saw Mary standing
beside the woman and her two daughters that begged me for money in Bali. Mary said with a hint of joy, “I dwell in
them. I dwell in the poor.” She said it with such a peace and a love and
a joy in her heart as if it were her most favorite thing to do. All I could think of was, our beautiful,
blessed, glorious, Holy Mother, dwelling
in something so small, dwelling in the poor. Now I could see why it is so important to
serve the poor. It’s Mary’s
business. It is what she desires. To serve the poor means to serve Jesus, who
dwells inside Mary, His Mother.
The next middle of the night in
prayer, I saw with the eyes of my heart, a vacated, charcoal-black vessel in
the shape of a heart, and broken into many lonely pieces. I was devastated when I realized that it was
my own heart. I saw my shattered heart
lowered down onto a sandy beach. I could
see myself as a little girl sitting in the sand beside my lifeless heart. I felt spiritually dead, dead in my
sins. Then I saw Jesus as a Eucharistic
Host encased in a ring of silver metal lowered down inside my disjointed heart
in the sand. There was no place to hold
Him enthroned in my heart, so the Host rested, slanted in the sand, leaning
side-ways on a fragment of my heart.
Then I noticed Mary, my sweet Holy
Mother, facing me and slightly to my left.
She spoke so lovingly to me, “I will give you my heart.” Oh, what a
precious gift! I felt that I had done
nothing at all to deserve her heart.
With tears in my eyes, I gratefully and thankfully accepted her heart as
my own. Then Mary walked over to my
disintegrating heart in the sand, and picked up her Son in the Eucharistic
Host. She carefully carried Him to me,
and placed Him gently enthroned inside her heart, now my new heart, inside of
me! Praise God! “…this son of mine was dead, and has come to
life again; he was lost, and has been found.” (Luke 15:24) Jesus was saying to me, “…this daughter of Mine
was dead, and has come to life again; she was lost, and has been found.” Praise God!
Halleluia!
At one point, I had to make a
decision. Do I detach and abandon myself
to Jesus and Mary, and seek only their desires to serve the poor, so united
with Mary’s Immaculate Heart dwelling in me, someone so small, with Mary so wrapped up in Jesus’ Eucharistic
Holy Presence, or do I continue putting my husband first before God? There was nothing to go back to, except my
destroyed, dead heart. With my whole
being I chose to surrender myself to Jesus and Mary and to seek their
desires. I chose to die to myself and
find my life in Christ Jesus, supported by His Most Holy Mother.
I finally went to confession. Praise God that I didn’t die in my sins! My beloved pastor told me that I needed to be
strong in my faith, and rely upon God’s grace, and do God’s Will above
all. I need to follow the Holy Spirit in
my life.
I shared my story with some of my
closest friends. They confirmed that I
need to put God first in my life. I know
deep in my heart that if I don’t put God first, I am as good as dead. Putting God first will help me to love my
husband in the right way all the more. I
can give my husband my whole heart totally and completely as his wife, and at
the same time, be in a right relationship with him, side by side. This way we can correct and serve each other
instead of one dominating over the other.
In the midst of all my
soul-searching, the Lord showed me His Tender, Divine Mercy. One of my friends pointed out that I really
did have the desire to serve the poor, and at the same time, I was careful to
avoid breaking the trust that my husband had in me during our Anniversary Trip. “Simon Peter said to him, ‘Master, where are
you going?’ Jesus answered [him], ‘Where
I am going, you cannot follow me now, though you will follow later.’” (John 13:36) Like Peter, I still needed a deeper
conversion to truly follow Jesus and serve Him in the poor with all my
heart. Now that I want to make amends
and follow the Lord’s call to serve the poor, I have a very good explanation
for my future actions. I can tell the
story of my deeper conversion that the Lord graciously and mercifully willed in
my heart.
When folding laundry and praying the
Luminous Mysteries, the Lord struck me with an insight during the fifth decade
– the Institution of the Holy Eucharist.
Jesus showed me why it hurts
Him so much when I don’t give alms to the poor.
Jesus gives Himself totally and completely to me, and to each of us, on
the Cross and in the Holy Eucharist. To
show my love for Jesus, to return His Love, I need to give myself totally and
completely back to God in the poor, because Jesus dwells in them. I hurt Jesus when I didn’t give the Balinese
woman money, because when I denied her, I was denying Him. I need to loosen my hands. “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”
(Acts 20:35)
In prayer early in the morning,
before going to Mass, I saw myself as a little girl. Mary, the Mother of God, my tender Mother,
took me and placed me on her lap. She
invited me to enter inside her Immaculate Heart. I saw with the eyes of my heart an open
doorway lined with pink roses. Not
feeling worthy at all, I asked her for the grace to enter inside her
heart. Once inside, I felt the joy of
the Holy Spirit, her spouse. Then I saw
her Son, Jesus, as a Eucharistic Host in the center of her heart. I worshipped, and adored, and praised, and
thanked, and loved my Lord, my God, and my King!
During Mass, Jesus gave Himself to
me totally and completely in the Eucharist.
Settled inside His Mother Mary’s Heart, inside my heart, Jesus said,
“Now you can give Me away to the
poor.”
I’ve been learning so much from reading
Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska’s Diary.
The following three quotes particularly touched my heart:
“That God is infinitely merciful, no one can deny. He desires everyone to know this before He
comes as Judge. He wants souls to come
to know Him first as King of Mercy…But God has promised a great grace
especially to you [Father Sopocko] and to all those…who will proclaim My great
mercy. I shall protect them Myself at
the hour of death, as My own glory. And
even if the sins of souls were as dark as night, when the sinner turns to My
mercy, he gives Me the greatest praise and is the glory of My Passion. When a soul extols My goodness, Satan
trembles before it and flees to the very bottom of hell.” (Diary, #378)
“Souls who spread the honor of My mercy I shield through
their entire lives as a tender mother her infant, and at the hour of death I
will not be a Judge for them, but the Merciful Savior. At that last hour, a soul has nothing with
which to defend itself except My mercy.
Happy is the soul that during its lifetime immersed itself in the
Fountain of Mercy, because justice will have no hold on it.” (Diary, #1075)
“My daughter, tell souls that I am giving them My mercy as a
defense. I Myself am fighting for them
and am bearing the just anger of My Father.” (Diary, #1516)
A week later, the Tuesday after Easter, I was praying the
rosary in the Eucharistic
Adoration Chapel with a handful of parishioners after daily Mass. Thinking about my unworthiness, and feeling
the anguish of my guilt and shame, I was aware of a deep wound in my soul. I saw with the eyes of my heart that I was a
little girl with a broken heart. I saw
Mary, the Mother of God, my Blessed Mother, sitting to the left of Jesus in the
Eucharistic Host displayed in the golden monstrance. Mary gently picked me up and placed me on her
lap for awhile. Then she lifted me up to
give me to her Son, Jesus. I saw Jesus
hanging on the Cross, with all of His Open Wounds on His Body. I wrapped my little arms around Jesus’ Body,
hugging Him. Jesus’ Precious Blood
flowed out of His Wounds and into the wound in my soul. At that moment, Jesus healed me! Jesus healed my soul! Praise God!
Halleluia! “He himself bore our
sins in his body upon the cross, so that, free from sin, we might live for
righteousness. By his wounds you have
been healed.” (1 Peter 2:24)
“My Sweet Jesus, I love You!
I thank you with all my heart and soul for Your Compassionate Mercy upon
me, a poor sinner. I was dead in my
sins, but because You love me, You offered Yourself in atonement for my sins,
and You poured your Precious Blood into the wound in my soul, healing me! You graciously blessed me with Your Holy
Mother Mary, who gave me her heart, beating with the joy and life of her
spouse, the Holy Spirit. Jesus, you
lovingly willed to dwell inside Your Mother’s Pure and Humble Heart, inside of
little me, just as You rested incarnate inside Her Holy Womb. Blessed be the Name of our Lord Jesus
forever, who dwells inside the new Ark of the Covenant, Mary, the Mother of
God!
Thank you, Precious Mary, my Blessed, Holy Mother, for giving
me your heart. I don’t deserve your
generous kindness. Thank you for loving
me anyway, and blessing me with the grace of a deeper conversion. I could not stay the same as I was. I had to change. I humbly and lovingly ask for the grace to be
attentive to who God is calling me to be now.
Virgin Mary, please help me to follow your Son, Jesus, as He leads me to
love Him deeper, to serve Him in the poor, and like Peter, to feed His
Lambs. In Jesus’ Holy and Precious Name
I pray, Amen!”
“When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter,
‘Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these? He said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I
love you.’ He said to him, ‘Feed my
lambs.’” (John 21:15)
