“…it
is because the Lord loves you, and is
keeping the oath which he swore to your fathers, that the Lord has brought you
out with a mighty hand, and redeemed you
from the house of bondage…”(Deuteronomy 7:8)
When I read these words of God to the Israelites after
Moses freed them from Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, two phrases touched my heart
deeply, and I knew God was speaking these words to me. “It is
because the Lord loves you.” The
Lord loves me! Oh, how the Lord loves me.
“…redeemed you from
the house of bondage…” The Lord redeemed me from my house of
bondage! This “house” wasn’t a physical
structure. This house was my own way of
thinking, specifically, my bondage to fear.
I had many reasons to be afraid, starting at a young
age. I was afraid of the dark, of
punishment, of causing anger in others, of disappointing others, of any type of
conflict, of expressing how I truly felt… the list goes on and on.
Without realizing it, the way I reacted to my fears, was
to hide. I became an expert at
hiding. Any time there was a conflict, I
would do my best not to rock the boat, and to steer away from the anger and
disappointment in others. I hid, not
just physically, but emotionally, and psychologically.
My “hiding” became a way for me to not stand up and take
responsibility for solving the conflicts I faced. It was easier for me to allow everyone else
to deal with life’s problems.
I think God knew all along that this bondage to fear was
not healthy for me. In 2005, in His
mercy and love, He arranged for me to go on an ACTS (Adoration, Community,
Theology, Service) retreat. This retreat
was the beginning of my healing.
The Lord blessed me with a beautiful gift during that
retreat, a gift that helped me to know His love for me. Now, when I prayed to Him, I could see with
the eyes of my heart. I saw images in my
mind that the Lord desired for me. One
of the first images I saw, was Jesus, holding me like a little girl in His lap,
and just loving me. My oldest fear, of
not being loved, slowly melted away.
The more I spent time with God in prayer, the more He
would show me this image. I was
overjoyed to feel so loved! I couldn’t
get enough time, alone with God, to feel His love for me, as I was overwhelmed
with raising five children.
One day, Jesus spoke to my heart in prayer. He said, “For every time you didn’t feel
loved, I will love you, and heal you.” I
marveled at God’s loving generosity and faithfulness to me.
Over the past twelve years, the Lord has been addressing
each of my fears, one by one, and empowering me to overcome them. A month ago I was invited to step out of my
comfort zone, and evangelize people thirsty for God in the outskirts of our parish. At first, I was afraid. I spent a whole week asking God if this was His will for me. Instead of hiding, I needed to give myself
permission to open my home, and my heart, to allow Jesus and His Mother, Mary,
to work through me.
I had to give Jesus my tiny mustard seed of faith that He would soften hearts and call the
people that He wanted to be involved
in this ministry. I had to trust in
Jesus to show us who to reach out to with His love. My earnest prayer was, “This is Your ministry Lord, not mine. I don’t know where to begin without Your Holy
Spirit. Jesus, I trust in You!”
“Amen, I say to you, if you have faith the size of a
mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it
will move. Nothing will be impossible
for you.” (Matthew 17:20) I’ve been so amazed at how the Holy Spirit is
moving in our parish! I’m even more
surprised at the mountain that God is moving in my heart and soul. I’m
not hiding anymore!!!
God healed me from the core of my being! Jesus spoke to my heart in prayer, “For every
time you hid, I will send you forth to others with My love, and heal you.” Praise God!!!
