Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Not Hiding Anymore

       


    “…it is because the Lord loves you, and is keeping the oath which he swore to your fathers, that the Lord has brought you out with a mighty hand, and redeemed you from the house of bondage…”(Deuteronomy 7:8)

            When I read these words of God to the Israelites after Moses freed them from Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, two phrases touched my heart deeply, and I knew God was speaking these words to me.  “It is because the Lord loves you.”  The Lord loves me!  Oh, how the Lord loves me.

            “…redeemed you from the house of bondage…” The Lord redeemed me from my house of bondage!  This “house” wasn’t a physical structure.  This house was my own way of thinking, specifically, my bondage to fear.

            I had many reasons to be afraid, starting at a young age.   I was afraid of the dark, of punishment, of causing anger in others, of disappointing others, of any type of conflict, of expressing how I truly felt… the list goes on and on.

            Without realizing it, the way I reacted to my fears, was to hide.  I became an expert at hiding.  Any time there was a conflict, I would do my best not to rock the boat, and to steer away from the anger and disappointment in others.  I hid, not just physically, but emotionally, and psychologically.

            My “hiding” became a way for me to not stand up and take responsibility for solving the conflicts I faced.  It was easier for me to allow everyone else to deal with life’s problems.

            I think God knew all along that this bondage to fear was not healthy for me.  In 2005, in His mercy and love, He arranged for me to go on an ACTS (Adoration, Community, Theology, Service) retreat.  This retreat was the beginning of my healing.

            The Lord blessed me with a beautiful gift during that retreat, a gift that helped me to know His love for me.  Now, when I prayed to Him, I could see with the eyes of my heart.  I saw images in my mind that the Lord desired for me.  One of the first images I saw, was Jesus, holding me like a little girl in His lap, and just loving me.  My oldest fear, of not being loved, slowly melted away.

            The more I spent time with God in prayer, the more He would show me this image.  I was overjoyed to feel so loved!  I couldn’t get enough time, alone with God, to feel His love for me, as I was overwhelmed with raising five children.

            One day, Jesus spoke to my heart in prayer.  He said, “For every time you didn’t feel loved, I will love you, and heal you.”  I marveled at God’s loving generosity and faithfulness to me.

            Over the past twelve years, the Lord has been addressing each of my fears, one by one, and empowering me to overcome them.  A month ago I was invited to step out of my comfort zone, and evangelize people thirsty for God in the outskirts of our parish.  At first, I was afraid.  I spent a whole week asking God if this was His will for me.  Instead of hiding, I needed to give myself permission to open my home, and my heart, to allow Jesus and His Mother, Mary, to work through me.

            I had to give Jesus my tiny mustard seed of faith that He would soften hearts and call the people that He wanted to be involved in this ministry.  I had to trust in Jesus to show us who to reach out to with His love.  My earnest prayer was, “This is Your ministry Lord, not mine.  I don’t know where to begin without Your Holy Spirit.  Jesus, I trust in You!”

            “Amen, I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.”  (Matthew 17:20)  I’ve been so amazed at how the Holy Spirit is moving in our parish!  I’m even more surprised at the mountain that God is moving in my heart and soul.  I’m not hiding anymore!!!

            God healed me from the core of my being!  Jesus spoke to my heart in prayer, “For every time you hid, I will send you forth to others with My love, and heal you.”  Praise God!!!

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