Beautiful Souls - Where I Am

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.  If any one serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there shall my servant be also; if any one serves me, the Father will honor him.”  John 12:24-26

                Out of the blue my husband sent me an innocent email, asking if I wanted to attend a free conference called, “Pathways to hope – Breaking the Stigma of Mental Illness.”  I printed the flyer, and decided not to sign up until I knew what was going on at home the day of the conference.  I also wanted to pray about it, and see if it was God’s will for me to be there.

                The day before the conference, I read the above daily Mass reading from John 12:24-26.  The words that jumped into my heart were, “If any one serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there shall my servant be also.”  I knew immediately in my heart that Jesus was asking me to follow Him to the conference, even though I have never been to one like this before.  His words, “where I am,” had special meaning for me.  If Jesus was going to be at this conference, then I wanted to be where He was going to be!

                I was surprised that I found myself crying as the speakers gave their talks, as if I were on a retreat!  Many organizations from across our city had come together for the second year in a row to raise awareness of the mentally ill among us (and even including us.)  I was struck how very beautiful to God are the souls of those who struggle with depression, anxiety, hopelessness, etc…  I listened to talks called, “What Does Mental Health Ministry Look Like,” “Mental Health in our Schools,” “A Road Map for Success for the College Bound Adolescent with a Mental Health Disorder,” and, “Changed by Conversation.”

                I was mindful of two ministries at my church, V Encuentro (Fifth Encounter – a new Pentecost evangelization outreach) and the Guadalupanos (those who spread the love of Our Lady of Guadalupe), who both sent me soul searching this summer.  For one ministry, I needed to research how the Catholic Church is meeting the needs of those in the outskirts of our communities; and for the other, I needed to pray about which committee to join.  Going to this conference was an answer to prayer!

                I don’t remember which talk I was listening to when Jesus made it very clear to me that He was not only at the conference with me, but that Eucharistic Adoration is, “where I am,” and “there shall my servant be also.”  I knew that Jesus was calling me to be with Him at Eucharistic Adoration, and invite all who battle with, or know someone who battles with, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, etc…  The Lord has been tugging at my heart every time I read the following words from the Precious Blood of Jesus Daily Devotional, “…the remaining days are great and holy.  Your adoration will be great and holy.  Come with reverence and awe and worship your God.” (25 July 1997, P.40)

                To top everything off, last Sunday’s gospel reading was from Matthew 15:21-28, about the Canaanite woman who begged Jesus to heal her daughter.  “Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David; my daughter is severely possessed by a demon.” (vs. 22)  Believing that Jesus is truly present in the Eucharist, we can come to Him at Eucharistic Adoration, just like the Canaanite woman who came to Jesus, and give to Him our deepest needs, and our deepest desires for those who weigh heavy on our hearts.  Oh, that we would hear the same words Jesus spoke to her, “O woman, great is your faith!  Be it done for you as you desire.”  The gospel story ends with, “And her daughter was healed instantly.” (vs. 28)

                After the conference, I read, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you…You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide; so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.  This I command you, to love one another.” (John 15:12,16-17)  Jesus is calling me to love those who feel depressed, anxious, and hopeless, etc… Jesus is saying to me, “that is where I am.”  Jesus is not only hidden in the Eucharist, He is hidden inside our souls!

                O Jesus, how beautiful You are!  Thank You that You abide inside the souls of those who daily fight depression, anxiety, and hopelessness.  Thank You that You want them to be well, whole, and healed!  Thank You, Jesus, that You are so very close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:19).  Thank You, Jesus, that You are meek and humble of heart (Matt. 11:29).  Thank You, Jesus, in advance, for all Your miracles!  Thank You, Jesus, for Your beauty in all of Your creation.  Thank You, Jesus, that You created each and every one of us in Your beautiful, holy image.  Thank You, Jesus, that we are Your beloved sons and daughters!

                Lord Jesus, we give You everything that pulls us down, everything that makes us anxious, and everything that causes us to lose our hope.  For every time we were depressed, anxious, and lacking hope, please stir our hearts to trust, have faith, and hope in You!  Jesus, You are the Lord of all creation, and the Lord of all of our lives.  O Jesus, I give you my heart, my mind, my spirit, and my soul.  I surrender my life into Your holy hands!  Please fill me, and those I pray for, with the beauty of Your love, Your peace, and Your joy.  May Your loving, holy, and precious will be done in my life, and in the lives of my loved ones.  Jesus, I love you!  Amen.

Words of Encouragement for Teen ACTS Retreat - June 29 - July 2, 2017

6/27/17      7:37 a.m.   

“Oh, My Children!  I have loved you with an everlasting love.  I have called you by name.  You are Mine!  …and I am yours.”

“When I think of you, I see you as My Dearly Beloved, My Cherished, Precious Child.  You are the Apple of My Eye.  To Me, you are a Precious Pearl.”

“I created you to delight in you.  I created you to dwell in you, to fill you with My Holy Presence, that you may live in Me, and that I may live in you.”

“I created your heart and soul to be filled to overflowing with My Love, My Peace, and My Joy.  I want you to know in the depths of your being My Love for you!”

“I will never leave you or forsake you.  I will always be with you.  I will protect you from evil and from harm.”

“Rest in Me.  Lay your head on My Chest.  I got you.”

“Surrender to Me your problems and your fears.  Give to Me your hopes and your dreams.”

“I know what is eternally best for you.  I know full well the desires in your heart.  Let me show you how I can meet your deepest needs and surpass your highest expectations.”

“All you truly need is Me.  I am here for you, always.”

“I love you, My Child, I love you.  I bless you, My Child, I bless you.  Halleluia, Halleluia, Amen!”

Not Hiding Anymore

       

    “…it is because the Lord loves you, and is keeping the oath which he swore to your fathers, that the Lord has brought you out with a mighty hand, and redeemed you from the house of bondage…”(Deuteronomy 7:8)

            When I read these words of God to the Israelites after Moses freed them from Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, two phrases touched my heart deeply, and I knew God was speaking these words to me.  “It is because the Lord loves you.”  The Lord loves me!  Oh, how the Lord loves me.

            “…redeemed you from the house of bondage…” The Lord redeemed me from my house of bondage!  This “house” wasn’t a physical structure.  This house was my own way of thinking, specifically, my bondage to fear.

            I had many reasons to be afraid, starting at a young age.   I was afraid of the dark, of punishment, of causing anger in others, of disappointing others, of any type of conflict, of expressing how I truly felt… the list goes on and on.

            Without realizing it, the way I reacted to my fears, was to hide.  I became an expert at hiding.  Any time there was a conflict, I would do my best not to rock the boat, and to steer away from the anger and disappointment in others.  I hid, not just physically, but emotionally, and psychologically.

            My “hiding” became a way for me to not stand up and take responsibility for solving the conflicts I faced.  It was easier for me to allow everyone else to deal with life’s problems.

            I think God knew all along that this bondage to fear was not healthy for me.  In 2005, in His mercy and love, He arranged for me to go on an ACTS (Adoration, Community, Theology, Service) retreat.  This retreat was the beginning of my healing.

            The Lord blessed me with a beautiful gift during that retreat, a gift that helped me to know His love for me.  Now, when I prayed to Him, I could see with the eyes of my heart.  I saw images in my mind that the Lord desired for me.  One of the first images I saw, was Jesus, holding me like a little girl in His lap, and just loving me.  My oldest fear, of not being loved, slowly melted away.

            The more I spent time with God in prayer, the more He would show me this image.  I was overjoyed to feel so loved!  I couldn’t get enough time, alone with God, to feel His love for me, as I was overwhelmed with raising five children.

            One day, Jesus spoke to my heart in prayer.  He said, “For every time you didn’t feel loved, I will love you, and heal you.”  I marveled at God’s loving generosity and faithfulness to me.

            Over the past twelve years, the Lord has been addressing each of my fears, one by one, and empowering me to overcome them.  A month ago I was invited to step out of my comfort zone, and evangelize people thirsty for God in the outskirts of our parish.  At first, I was afraid.  I spent a whole week asking God if this was His will for me.  Instead of hiding, I needed to give myself permission to open my home, and my heart, to allow Jesus and His Mother, Mary, to work through me.

            I had to give Jesus my tiny mustard seed of faith that He would soften hearts and call the people that He wanted to be involved in this ministry.  I had to trust in Jesus to show us who to reach out to with His love.  My earnest prayer was, “This is Your ministry Lord, not mine.  I don’t know where to begin without Your Holy Spirit.  Jesus, I trust in You!”

            “Amen, I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.”  (Matthew 17:20)  I’ve been so amazed at how the Holy Spirit is moving in our parish!  I’m even more surprised at the mountain that God is moving in my heart and soul.  I’m not hiding anymore!!!

            God healed me from the core of my being!  Jesus spoke to my heart in prayer, “For every time you hid, I will send you forth to others with My love, and heal you.”  Praise God!!!

Consecrated and Commissioned

            It’s all happening so fast!  Jesus and Mary are calling me.  That still, small voice, is directing me by the light of the Holy Spirit.  Jesus spoke to my heart a few weeks ago when I was invited to be a small group leader for a local summer evangelization mission.  Jesus said, “All I need is your faith and your trust.  I will do the rest.”

             I spent a week in prayer discerning my response.  Every time I heard or read a Scripture, or listened to Catholic radio, or everyday conversation, the Lord confirmed in me my answer, “Yes, yes, yes!”  The message was clear – spread the joy of the Gospel!

            Several times in prayer over the last month, in my mind, Jesus has been allowing me to kiss His Bare Feet, sometimes bloody and nailed to His Cross, other times beautifully clean and resurrected.  Mary, my Holy Mother of God, also allowed me to kiss her feet, in my mind, in prayer.  At other times in prayer, in my mind, Jesus and Mary kissed my unworthy feet, with gentleness and compassion.

            At Eucharistic Adoration I was extremely humbled to learn my mission in life, which my Lord showed me with such tenderness and love.  My mission is to allow Jesus and Mary to wash and kiss the feet of those around me, through me.  Mary also showed me that each time I allow her to wash and kiss someone’s feet, she will lay down a long stemmed rose at their feet, which I can pick up and use to adorn her crown!

            My new names are, “Washer and Kisser of Feet!” and, “Adorner of the Queen’s Crown!”  What a fantastic mission!  I love God’s saving plans for me.

            Three weeks ago Jesus spoke to my heart at Eucharistic Adoration.  He said, “Allow Me to permeate every aspect of your life…I’m going to offer Myself through you to My Father.”  At the time, I didn’t understand what these words meant, but now I see that He will sacrifice Himself through me to His Heavenly Father by washing and kissing the feet of those around me!  Jesus will show His Love for those around me, through me.  Praise God!

            Yesterday, during the Spanish Mass at our parish, I was consecrated to Our Lady of Guadalupe, even though I don’t speak Spanish!  I am a Guadalupana now!  This means that I am commissioned to spread the love of Our Lady of Guadalupe.  Praise the Lord!

            Before this Mass, I bought one raffle ticket.  There were five prizes.  After Mass, our beloved priest began pulling out tickets from a cage containing hundreds of tickets.  I was shocked when the fourth ticket he pulled was mine!  I won a 34” statue of Our Lady of Guadulupe!  Two weekends later, I was able to have her blessed by another priest.  Now she has a new home in my home!  I am still in wonder and in awe of God’s blessings for me.  Thank You, Lord!

            I can’t help thinking about Jesus’ Ascension and Pentecost, which we celebrated at Church the last two Sundays.  I truly feel in the guts of my soul that Jesus is commissioning me, like He commissioned His Disciples.  “Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you…” Matthew 28:19-20a

            I feel well-equipped with the love of Jesus and Mary.  I’m ready to go out!  Jesus and Mary, show me some feet!

Pure Love

I got a phone call from my mother-in-law on the last day of December, 2014, New Year’s Eve.  Her voice was hoarse and gravelly.  She had the flu since Christmas.  “Would you please go to the plant nursery for me and pick up my free mulch?  My coupon expires today.  I would have done it myself, but then I got sick.”

I did the math.  I had already decided that I was too sick with my own congestion and raw throat to go to the Solemnity of Mary Mass, however, I could probably run this errand for her.  Plus, she melted my heart by calling me an endearing name used by very few people that know me – my mom, husband, and beloved deceased grandfather.

So, I got into my pyrite-colored truck, and drove to her home ten minutes away.  She was laying on her couch in front of the T.V., covered in a crocheted afghan.  “The coupon is behind you on the kitchen table.  Will your kids be able to spread the mulch under my plants?  There’s supposed to be a freeze tonight.”

“No, my kids tested positive with the flu, the virus strain that was not covered by the flu shot.  I don’t have the energy to spread it either, I’m still under the weather...”  I could tell she was worried about her xeriscape plants - thirty planted in her front yard, and another thirty in her backyard.  There were red and purple Lantanas; Soft and Red Yuccas; Ocohoi and Variegated Agaves; Cacti, like Spineless Prickly Pear; a hot pink Crepe Myrtle; several Upright Rosemary plants; a magenta Knock Out Rose; a Mexican Bird of Paradise; Autumn and Blue Sages; yellow Bulbines; a Crinum Lily; two Persimmon Trees; two Cenizos; a purple Mountain Laurel; Turk’s Caps; Butterfly Irises; yellow Esperanzas; Mexican Mint Marigolds; Skull Caps; Inland Sea Oats; and Oregano, Duranta, and Damianita plants.  As I was leaving, I said, “I’ll just put the bags of mulch in your garage.”

I drove to the plant nursery, about twenty minutes away, and picked up six bags of cedar mulch, her favorite kind.  During the drive there and back, the Lord was working on my heart.  I kept thinking about some words that Jesus spoke to Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska, number 1489 in her Diary, “A single act of pure love pleases Me more than a thousand imperfect prayers.”

I thought, “When have I ever performed an act of pure love?”  Then, from the depths of my soul, I heard a very tiny whisper.  It was Mary, my holy Mother.  She said, “What if you spread the mulch?”  At first, I balked at the idea.  But, I’m sick.  “You’re not that sick.”  But, I’m allergic to cedar.  “Only to the pollen.”  But, I’m wearing a white coat, and I have no gloves.  “You can wash later.”

By the time I got back to my mother-in-law’s home, it was 37 degrees outside, and dropping.  I really did not want to get my hands dirty, even just to pull the two cubic foot bags into her garage.  Then the thought occurred to me that spreading the mulch would really be an act of pure love!  All of a sudden, the idea became irresistible.  I’m gonna do it!

            I pulled one of the bags of mulch off the end of the truck and tore a hole in the top of it.  I leaned it against the back tire and plunged my hands into the shredded wood and dirt.  I grabbed as much mulch as I could hold with my bare hands, and stooped down to spread it around the bottom of a spiky yucca plant.  I spread the mulch around a dozen plants, pulled down another bag, and leaned it against the front corner of her home.  As I was tearing a hole in the top of the second bag, a chilling breeze ran across my fingers.  I noticed that if I kept my hands inside the plastic bag just a few seconds longer before pulling out the mulch, my hands would not feel cold as quickly.  I wasn’t sure that I could keep this up.  I began to doubt that I would be able to spread the remaining five bags of mulch.

            Then I think a miracle happened.  It seemed as if the temperature rose a few degrees.  My hands weren’t cold anymore.  I kept working.  I felt as if Mary’s angels were helping me along.  My work became easy and light.  I had such an overwhelming joy in my heart, and an even greater love for my mother-in-law!  An hour and fifteen minutes later, I finished spreading all six bags of mulch in the front and back yards.  Instead of pulling the six heavy bags of mulch into her garage, I put the six empty bags into her trash can.

            I decided not to tell my mother-in-law what I did.  After rinsing off my hands the best I could with her hose, I drove home in enough time to make dinner for my family.  My heart was soaring!  I realized that the miracle was not only in the physical circumstances, but also the fact that the Lord gave me such a deep and pure love for my mother-in-law!  I marveled in the knowledge that what I did for her pleased Jesus more than praying a thousand imperfect prayers for her salvation!

            The next day, I got a phone call from guess who.  She told me the story of how she looked out of her window that morning at her Persimmon Tree and thought, “Poor tree, you are going to die.”  Then she looked down at the base of the tree and, seeing the mulch, said, “Oh!  You’re not going to die!”  She asked me, “Who did the labor?”

            I said, “I did.  Merry Christmas!  I love you!!”

Playing on the Beach with Jesus

            “Allow Me to permeate every aspect of your life… I’m going to offer Myself through you to My Father.”  These were Jesus’ Words to my heart during Eucharistic Adoration last Saturday morning, May 6, 2017, from 6:00 – 7:00 a.m.  I was just soaking in God’s loving, holy presence for an hour before He spoke to me.  Wow!

            I still don’t understand fully what these words mean.  All weekend I’ve been laying my heart bare for Jesus to change me, realizing that I can’t do this on my own.  Only God can change me.  Only God can heal me.  All I know is that Jesus has a firm grasp on my heart, and He is ever so delicately and tenderly performing spiritual surgery on my soul.

            I went to confession at 3:30 p.m. last Saturday.  For my penance, I was told to read John, chapter 15.  “I am the vine, you are the branches.  Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit, because without me you can do nothing… As the Father loves me, so I also love you.  Remain in my love.”  John 15:5,9

            The thought occurred to me last weekend that one way Jesus could offer Himself to His Father through me is to so fill my heart with knowledge of His Love for me, that it would spill over into small acts of sacrificial love for those around me.

            I think this is what happened to me in the middle of the night, very early, on Monday morning.  I woke up about 3:00 a.m., and decided to spend some time with my Lord.  In prayer, I could see Jesus with the eyes of my heart.  He was holding both of my hands in His Hands, and looking so lovingly into my eyes.  I knew He wanted me to go with Him to show me something, like He often does when I pray.

            For some reason, when He tried to gather me up in His Arms, like He would hold a little girl, I was very heavy, like the fifty-five pound bag of dry dog food that I buy, and can barely lift into my car.  I was having difficulty just abandoning myself to the Lord.  My heart was not light, and filled with His Love and Joy and Peace.

            Praise God that Jesus never gives up on me!  He never stops trying to get His Love through to me.  He never stops permeating me with His Love!

            Instead of picking me up, Jesus gently led me by the hand.  I could see myself as a little girl walking hand in Hand with Jesus on a beach, along a seashore, taking me on a journey.

            In prayer, when Jesus wants to heal me, and fill me with His Love and His Peace, He takes me to the beach!  This time Jesus took me all the way back to when I was conceived!  On the return journey, Jesus showed me how He always loved me, no matter what was happening in my life.  Jesus laid a foundation of Love, imprinted on my soul, filled in with beautiful beaches stretching back to my farthest memories.

            Jesus showed me this one contiguous beach that spanned my whole lifetime, my past, present, and future.  Jesus has always loved me.  Jesus loves me now.  Jesus will always love me in the future!  Wow!

            I feel renewed in God’s Love for me.  I feel that Jesus has given me a whole, new, fresh beginning in my walk with Him, a deeper conversion.  I feel healed.  I feel whole.  Praise God!

            Jesus asked me, “So what do you want to do now?”  I said, “Let’s play on the beach!”

Words of Encouragement for Men's ACTS Retreat May 11-14, 2017

5/10/17   6:19 a.m.

“Oh, My Children!  I am here for you now.  I have gathered you into My Arms, My Loving Arms of Grace.  You are with Me now, in a beautiful union.  I am in you, and you are in Me.  You are totally immersed in My Love, My Ocean of Love and Mercy.”

“My Child, I am here for you now.  I open My Heart to you.  I pour forth My Precious Blood upon you, the Blood that I shed on the Cross for you.  Only My Blood can wash away your sins, and purify you as white as snow.  Only My Body, given up for you, can nourish your starving soul.”

“I came that you may have life, My Eternal Life, abundantly.  I am the Fountain of Life that wells up within you to eternal life in Heaven.”

“Walk in Me.  Walk in My Love.  Remain in Me.  Remain in My Love.  You will be My Walking, Breathing Heaven on Earth.”

“Keep My Holy Words in your heart.  Draw your strength from Me.  I will be your courage.  I will be your strength to do My Father’s Holy Will, to do what is righteous and true, to walk in My Ways, to love tenderly, to speak kindly, to humbly follow Me.”

“I will lead you.  I will guide you.  You are My Brother.  I call you My Friend.  I call you by name.  I will always be here for you.  I will never leave or forsake you.  You are Mine, and I am yours.  You have Me now deep in your heart and soul.  I am with you now.”

“I fill you with My Holy Presence.  I fill you with My Holy Spirit.  I fill you with My Whole Being.  I am your Love.  I am your Peace.  I am your Joy, welling up from within you.”

“I delight in you, My Precious One.  Find your delight in Me.  Seek My Face, and you will find Me.  Knock on the door to My Heart, and I will open My Treasures for you.  I will bless you with My Gifts of the Holy Spirit.  I will heal you.  I will restore your soul.  I will purify you, and make you holy in My Sight.  I will reveal My Love for you.  I will take you by the hand, and walk with you.  You will be My Beloved Son, and I will be your God!”

“I love you, My Child, I love you.  I bless you, My Child, I bless you.  Halleluia!  Halleluia!  Amen!!”