Laced With Love

                 I had the most incredible week about four years ago, as God held my poor soul in His Hand.  Every single day, and sometimes multiple times per day, the Lord arranged a heart-to-heart conversation for me with one of my closest family members or friends.  I even spilled my guts to my mother-in-law, holding nothing back, which I don’t think I would have done, except for my sheer exhaustion, and the fact that I drank a rare wine-cooler.

                On the weekend I attended the Catholic Women’s Conference.  I wasn’t even sure I would be able to go because of soccer games for my children, but the Lord cleared the way for me.  There were 1,340 women who attended!  On Friday night, the first day of the conference, there was a Eucharistic Healing Service and Benediction.

                I didn’t know what to expect going into the conference.  This was my first one.  But, I knew that God was up to something.  I could feel it in my soul.

                During the healing service I found myself kneeling on the carpet in front of my folding chair, clinging to the chair in front of me, as tears rolled down my cheeks.  We were adoring Jesus in the Eucharist on the alter at the front of the room, while Marie Miller played her guitar, and Mother Adela Galindo sang so beautifully.  The Holy Spirit seemed to hover above us, touching our hearts, and healing our inner wounds.

                The next day, on Saturday, I listened attentively to the speakers, closing my eyes many times, and soaking in, breathing in, God’s Words to me.  I was especially touched by Sonja Corbitt’s witness of how the Lord worked in her life to bring about inner healing.  She talked about what she thought was her reality versus the Lord’s truth in her life, the Lord’s reality.  She also talked about not wanting to do what God was asking her to do, and how she learned that being obedient to God set her free.  She said the struggles we face are actually gifts from God that cause us to grow in our faith, and grow closer to God.

                Her words hit a chord deep inside me.  I recognized my own resistance to face my cross, and to do what God was asking me to do.  I felt powerless to change myself.  I lacked courage to take the next step on my own.

                I rushed home, leaving the conference a little early to get ready for my daughter’s homecoming dinner for her friends in our home.  The next several hours were hectic, putting the King Ranch Casseroles in the oven, cleaning the bathroom that my kids left for me to do, taking pictures of dressed-up teen-agers, serving dinner, cleaning the kitchen, and putting everything back where it belonged, including the clutter that was temporarily hidden in my bedroom.

                Finally, late at night, after my husband left to drive my daughter to Houston for a soccer game the next day, I slumped into my rocking chair in my bedroom.  I couldn’t rest, though.  I felt like I was sitting in a “hot seat” in the Lord’s Holy Presence.  This was not the first time that I have been under scrutiny in the Lord’s Hands.  All month He had been revealing, and exposing, large chunks of sin in my heart, only to bring them to light and heal me.  I knew I was in for it this time.  I had nowhere to hide.

                I could imagine God the Father holding my soul with both Hands.  I was in for some serious spiritual surgery.  Through my tears and sorrowful groans, all I could do was to place my hope and faith and trust in my God.  He brought me to this point.  He knew exactly what He was doing.

                In prayer, Jesus took me on a journey deep into my heart, and my memory as a little child.  He asked me to search for and find my earliest memory.  From there we walked together through many images, some pitifully sad, and some jubilantly happy, some horribly scary, and some pleasingly beautiful.  Jesus showed me that in all my memories, He was with me, and His Mother, Mary, was with me, too.  I was surprised, especially about Mary, because I never felt close to her when I was young.  I had an ongoing, growing relationship with Jesus, but not with Mary.  It wasn’t until a few years ago that I fell in love with Mary.

                In my young painful memories, especially, I just wasn’t aware of Jesus and Mary being with me.  Jesus showed me that my reality, my perceptions, were not the same as God’s truth, His reality.  So many times I couldn’t see the whole picture with Jesus and Mary at my side, loving me, but that truth was still there.  Jesus and Mary laced all my memories with their love for me!  Jesus showed me how there were times, when He lavished His Love upon me, through my family and friends, and even through the beauty of nature – the wondrous smell of freshly mowed green grass, and the joyous sound of tress clapping their multitude of hand-like leaves in the wind.

                Jesus and Mary sweetened and healed my memories with their beauty and love.  In my mind they brought me to a sandy beach at the edge of an ocean.  There were footprints scattered all over the beach, the same size as Jesus’ feet, covering all the traces to my memories.  All my past painful memories were dissolved in the ocean of God’s Mercy and Love.  Mary was running around and dropping her white daisies of grace all over the beach on top of the footprints that Jesus was leaving everywhere in the sand.

                Jesus said to my heart, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life!”  I knew that God the Father was blessing me with the opportunity and the grace to start all over again.  I cannot turn back.  I can only go forward in the knowledge of Jesus and Mary’s love for me, God’s truth, His reality.

                In prayer the next morning before going to Sunday Mass, in my mind, Jesus showed me a big glass bowl of holy oil.  He stuck His thumb in the oil and smeared it across my forehead to bless me.  Then He showed me a big glass bowl of baptismal water.  He sprinkled the water on my head to purify me.   Then Jesus showed me a big chalice of wine, His Precious Blood.  He said to drink the whole chalice, to wash away my sins!  Lastly, Jesus showed me another big glass bowl filled with white daises of grace from Mary, to delight me.

 Jesus spoke to my heart again.  He said, “I want you to offer yourself to Me as a sacrifice on the alter during Mass.”  Jesus was asking me to die to myself so that I could live for Him.  Imitating Mary, His Mother, I said, “Yes, Lord, may it be done to me according to Your Word.”

                There were three deaths to self that morning at Mass.  The whole congregation prayed for the safety of a young man who had decided to sacrifice himself for his country, by joining the Marines.  Together, we extended our hands over him in prayer.  Right before the Liturgy of the Eucharist, Monsignor Pat announced that one of our parishioners passed away thirty minutes ago, so he was going to offer the Mass for her.  Silently, I offered myself to Mary, the Mother of God, and humbly and lovingly asked her to please prepare my heart, mind, and soul, and offer me to her Son, Jesus.

                I was overjoyed to receive Jesus in Holy Communion!  In my mind, He was dressed like a groom, and I was dressed like a bride in a white dress, purified by His Precious Blood, and I was wearing a crown of white daisies of grace, from Mary, in my hair.  Jesus scooped me up in His Arms!  I have nowhere to go except for the Arms of Jesus.  “Jesus, into Your Hands, I commit my spirit.”

                This morning the Lord woke me up at 4:05 a.m.  On my knees in prayer, He showed me what He had done for me.  He spoke to my heart saying, “I restored your soul.  I healed your soul.  I purified your soul, and made it innocent like the soul of a little child.” 

                Oh, my Lord, and my God, and my King!  My soul magnifies You!  My spirit rejoices in God, my Savior!  I am a mere nothing, and You have reached down and grabbed my poor soul out of the depths.  You cleansed me.  You healed me.  You set me free!  I promise I will love You, and serve You, and follow You all the days of my life.  I am so in debt to Your Love, Mercy, and Compassion upon me.  I can’t even begin to repay what You have done for me.

Thank You, Lord, that all things are possible with You.  Thank you, Lord, for giving me a fresh start.  Thank You, Lord, for lacing me in the love of Jesus and Mary.  Thank You, Lord, for blessing me with the courage to take the next step in my journey with You.  Oh, Jesus, words cannot express my gratitude for You.  Instead, I just give You my heart, swelling with love for You!  Amen!