Something in Bali

          “Lord, my husband is asking me if I want to go scuba diving during our vacation to Bali, Indonesia.”  Before replying to my husband’s email, I took a moment to pray.  I’ve never gone scuba diving before.  In my heart, I posed the question, “Is this what You want, Lord?”  As if Jesus placed His Hand on my heart, He reassured me with His Peace.  He lovingly spoke to my heart saying, “I have something I want to show you.”

            Having only two months to get certified as a scuba diver before leaving on our trip, I researched dive shops.  I finally settled on a nearby shop, took the online class, passed the knowledge test, dove in the deep end of a heated indoor pool, and dove five times in a local river.  After throwing up my breakfast banana in the river, due to motion sickness, I was certified!  I announced to my dive instructor that anything I could do with my husband was a good thing, especially for our marriage.

            It took us maybe 24 hours to fly to beautiful Bali, with stops in Moscow and Singapore.  I did not anticipate my ankles swelling from sitting upright in a seat for so long.  Many times throughout our trip, my romantic husband allowed me to rest my legs on his lap, especially during our bus tours across the palm-tree studded Bali island.  We were celebrating our 25^th Wedding Anniversary.

            I kept my eyes open to see what Jesus wanted to show me, especially during our two days of scuba diving at the Tulamben Bay 120m USAT Liberty Shipwreck and at the Blue Lagoon & Jepun.  We were thrilled to see a color-changing reef octopus eating a crab, two majestic emerald and chocolate brown 2 ½’ sea turtles, two haunting moray eels, and a straw-colored stingray kicking up sand on the ever-changing sea bottom.

            I also saw silver tube-like cornet fish the size of flutes; black and white remoras (shark suckers); many spotted juvenile sweetlips; huge vase-shaped beige sponges; a spotted garden eel; a yellow boxfish; a map pufferfish; a black pufferfish with a dog-shaped head; spiny devilfish; a flasher scorpionfish; a leaf scorpionfish that blended perfectly with the coral; two 5” thornback cowfishes that kept checking on each other; broadclub cuttlefish; a foot long squid that I could see partly through, with its dangly tentacles hanging down; a freckled goatfish with its trailing beard; several 12” cornhusk blue starfish; striped nudibranches (sea slugs); a peacock mantis, a peacock razorfish; longfin bannerfish; black ribbon eels that looked like swaying weeds in the sand until you swam close, and they popped back into their holes; a winged helmet gurnard; a black and white snowflake moray eel, slithering on top of the coral; and a 3” anemone crab crawling around its constantly moving home.

            At one point, my dive master put the palms of his hands together, facing up.  We were about 15 meters below the surface of the water.  At first I didn’t understand.  This wasn’t like any of the other hand signals that I carefully observed him doing.  Finally, I swam closer to see his hands better.  There, about two inches above his palms was a rare and tiny sea creature called an ornate ghost pipefish, about one centimeter in height.  It looked like a miniature sea horse, almost transparent, with just a few dots of pink on its minute body.  Wow, I thought.  This must be what Jesus wanted to show me – how His beautiful, creative life could dwell in something so small.

            My God is so deep!  This was only the tip of the iceberg.  There was something else He wanted to show me, about who I am, and who He is calling me to be.

            I will never forget her face, her straggly hair, her soft eyes, her crooked teeth, her sorrowful expression, forever burned into my soul.  My husband and I were standing at the entrance to the outdoor/indoor Badung Traditional Market in Denpasar City, where we had just finished our hour-long shopping spree for the required sarongs (rectangular cloths wrapped around the waists of both men and women) and sashes (scarves worn like belts on top of the sarongs) that were necessary to don before entering the Balinese temples.  Waiting for our tour bus to arrive, we happily passed the time by taking pictures.

            A brave petite Balinese girl approached me with her little palms up.  She must have been five years old.  I knew she was begging me for money.  She was joined by her shy younger sister.  I had about $80 worth in Rupiah tucked safely with my passport in my pouch hanging from my neck under my shirt.  My first thought was I wish I had money in my pocket to give to her.  It would be so much easier to get it out.  Instead of taking out my money, I took off my fragrant ivory and mustard-colored plumeria lei, which I received upon arrival at the Denpasar-Bali (DPS) Airport, alongside 90+ other homemade leis that were graciously given to our group of tourists to welcome us to Bali.  I tried handing it to her, but she wouldn’t take it.  She frowned.  I put my necklace back on.

            Then her mother stepped in front of me, with those imploring eyes that I will never forget.  She touched my left arm ever so softly and said, “Good for me, good for you.”  Immediately I understood that my money was good for her, and giving it to her would be good for my salvation.  I wondered how many people would beg me for money during our trip.  What would my husband think if I gave her money – that I was doing the right thing, or that I was irresponsible?

            She stroked my arm gently again, “Good for me, good for you.”  She nodded her head, looking for agreement.

            I felt trapped.  I felt tested.  I thought about Jesus at the Judgment of the Nations (Matthew 25:31-46), and my mind was aflame with the question, “Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?” (vs. 37)  The answer seared my soul, “Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.” (vs. 40)  I knew these Holy Words of God.  Just a month before our trip in my Lectio Divina Prayer Group, I had studied, meditated, and contemplated the Lord in prayer with these exact words.

            Then why did I look away from her penetrating eyes?  Why did I search for my husband in the crowd to be with him and not her?  She followed me.

            Standing beside me, she caressed my arm again.  “Good for me, good for you.”  Why did she keep telling me this over and over?  I asked her for her name.  She said, “Mary.”  My face lit up.  I said, “I love that name!”  I gave her my name.  We talked a little.  She said she had three children.  I told her I had five.  But still, I was unwilling to give her any money.  I thought for sure that if I gave her money, it would put a huge breach between my husband and I.  I knew how he felt about situations like this.  To be fair, he would much rather donate to known, researched, charitable organizations.  I wanted to prove that I could be responsible with the money he gave to me, and that he could trust me.

            But at the same time, I felt like my heart was ripping out of my chest, yearning to do what was good for Mary, and good for me.  Internally, broken and bleeding, I said, “I will pray for you.”

            To my great relief, the tour bus finally arrived, and I hurried across the street with my husband in the crowd, avoiding mopeds and diminutive cars.  From the other side of the street I couldn’t see Mary anymore.  She was gone.

            That night in our luxurious hotel room, after sleeping a few hours, I woke up with an urgent desire to pray my rosary.  I only prayed a few beads when my face flooded with tears.  How could I have been so cold-hearted?  Like Peter, I had denied our Lord three times.  “…and the Lord turned and looked at Peter; and Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how he had said to him, ‘Before the cock crows today, you will deny me three times.’  He went out and began to weep bitterly.” (Luke 22:61-62)  I could not stop thinking about Mary and her children and my lack of generosity.  Lord, have mercy, Christ, have mercy, Lord, have mercy on me, a poor sinner!

            I remembered telling Mary that I would pray for her, which I sincerely meant with all my heart.  It took me a long time to pray that rosary.  I had to get up from kneeling three or four times, thinking that I had finished crying, to blow my nose and wipe away my tears.

            In prayer, I placed Mary and her children and my husband and I inside Mary, our Mother of God’s, Immaculate Heart.  I prayed fervently for our repentance, conversion, and salvation.  I begged Mary, my spiritual Mother, to forgive me.  I felt like I had refused to give my alms personally to her when I didn’t give myself totally and completely to her child, this Balinese woman named Mary.  The fact that she and her children were the only ones who begged me for money during our entire trip had a profound impact on me.

            “See, upon the palms of my hands, I have written your name; your walls are ever before me.” (Isaiah 49:16)  When I read this a few days later, I pictured God writing Mary’s name, and her children’s names, and my husband’s name, and my name on the palms of His Hands.  I knew that God loved each of us dearly, but I was still in a fierce struggle to forgive myself.

            “You open wide your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.” (Psalm 145:16)  How beautifully generous God is!  Why can’t I be generous like that?

            The next day I was praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet, and feeling like the greatest sinner.  I was thinking about Jesus dying on the cross for me, a sinner!  How could I ever atone for my own sins?  Then I heard my sweet Jesus speak to my heart, “I will do it.  I will offer Myself in atonement for your sins.”  At that moment I knew I could not rely upon myself at all for my salvation.  Only Jesus can save me.  I can only rely upon Jesus.  He is my entire hope.  I am completely at His Mercy.

            I stopped looking to myself, wallowing in self pity.  I turned my heart to Jesus.  Only He can forgive me, and heal me, and restore my soul.  “My hope is in You, Lord!  Yes, please offer Yourself in atonement for my sins.  Thank you, Jesus, with all my heart and soul!  I am so dead without You.”

            After our 28 hour trip back from Bali, it took several days for me to get used to our local time.  My days and nights were mixed up for sure!  I would rise in the middle of the night, wide awake.  I spent a multitude of intense, sorrowful hours in prayer, still trying to understand myself, and everything Jesus showed me in Bali.

            In prayer, Jesus picked me up like a little girl, and sat me on His Lap.  I was dirty with sin and dressed in rags.  My soul looked worse than the little girls who begged me for money.  Jesus showed me a vision of Himself, hanging on His Cross.  I could see His beating Heart.  Jesus spoke to my heart saying, “My Heart beats for love of you.  I hide you in My Wounds.”

            Then Jesus handed me to Mary, His Mother.  She gently sat me on the ground.  Without saying anything I knew she was asking me if I was ready to see what she wanted to show me.  Then she spoke to my heart.  “I’m going to show you this only because I love you.”  In a vision I saw Mary standing beside the woman and her two daughters that begged me for money in Bali.  Mary said with a hint of joy, “I dwell in them.  I dwell in the poor.”  She said it with such a peace and a love and a joy in her heart as if it were her most favorite thing to do.  All I could think of was, our beautiful, blessed, glorious, Holy Mother, dwelling in something so small, dwelling in the poor.  Now I could see why it is so important to serve the poor.  It’s Mary’s business.  It is what she desires.  To serve the poor means to serve Jesus, who dwells inside Mary, His Mother.

            The next middle of the night in prayer, I saw with the eyes of my heart, a vacated, charcoal-black vessel in the shape of a heart, and broken into many lonely pieces.  I was devastated when I realized that it was my own heart.  I saw my shattered heart lowered down onto a sandy beach.  I could see myself as a little girl sitting in the sand beside my lifeless heart.  I felt spiritually dead, dead in my sins.  Then I saw Jesus as a Eucharistic Host encased in a ring of silver metal lowered down inside my disjointed heart in the sand.  There was no place to hold Him enthroned in my heart, so the Host rested, slanted in the sand, leaning side-ways on a fragment of my heart.

            Then I noticed Mary, my sweet Holy Mother, facing me and slightly to my left.  She spoke so lovingly to me, “I will give you my heart.”  Oh, what a precious gift!  I felt that I had done nothing at all to deserve her heart.  With tears in my eyes, I gratefully and thankfully accepted her heart as my own.  Then Mary walked over to my disintegrating heart in the sand, and picked up her Son in the Eucharistic Host.  She carefully carried Him to me, and placed Him gently enthroned inside her heart, now my new heart, inside of me!  Praise God!  “…this son of mine was dead, and has come to life again; he was lost, and has been found.” (Luke 15:24)  Jesus was saying to me, “…this daughter of Mine was dead, and has come to life again; she was lost, and has been found.”  Praise God!  Halleluia!

            At one point, I had to make a decision.  Do I detach and abandon myself to Jesus and Mary, and seek only their desires to serve the poor, so united with Mary’s Immaculate Heart dwelling in me, someone so small, with Mary so wrapped up in Jesus’ Eucharistic Holy Presence, or do I continue putting my husband first before God?  There was nothing to go back to, except my destroyed, dead heart.  With my whole being I chose to surrender myself to Jesus and Mary and to seek their desires.  I chose to die to myself and find my life in Christ Jesus, supported by His Most Holy Mother.

            I finally went to confession.  Praise God that I didn’t die in my sins!  My beloved pastor told me that I needed to be strong in my faith, and rely upon God’s grace, and do God’s Will above all.  I need to follow the Holy Spirit in my life.

            I shared my story with some of my closest friends.  They confirmed that I need to put God first in my life.  I know deep in my heart that if I don’t put God first, I am as good as dead.  Putting God first will help me to love my husband in the right way all the more.  I can give my husband my whole heart totally and completely as his wife, and at the same time, be in a right relationship with him, side by side.  This way we can correct and serve each other instead of one dominating over the other.

            In the midst of all my soul-searching, the Lord showed me His Tender, Divine Mercy.  One of my friends pointed out that I really did have the desire to serve the poor, and at the same time, I was careful to avoid breaking the trust that my husband had in me during our Anniversary Trip.  “Simon Peter said to him, ‘Master, where are you going?’  Jesus answered [him], ‘Where I am going, you cannot follow me now, though you will follow later.’” (John 13:36)  Like Peter, I still needed a deeper conversion to truly follow Jesus and serve Him in the poor with all my heart.  Now that I want to make amends and follow the Lord’s call to serve the poor, I have a very good explanation for my future actions.  I can tell the story of my deeper conversion that the Lord graciously and mercifully willed in my heart.

            When folding laundry and praying the Luminous Mysteries, the Lord struck me with an insight during the fifth decade – the Institution of the Holy Eucharist.  Jesus showed me why it hurts Him so much when I don’t give alms to the poor.  Jesus gives Himself totally and completely to me, and to each of us, on the Cross and in the Holy Eucharist.  To show my love for Jesus, to return His Love, I need to give myself totally and completely back to God in the poor, because Jesus dwells in them.  I hurt Jesus when I didn’t give the Balinese woman money, because when I denied her, I was denying Him.  I need to loosen my hands.  “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35)

            In prayer early in the morning, before going to Mass, I saw myself as a little girl.  Mary, the Mother of God, my tender Mother, took me and placed me on her lap.  She invited me to enter inside her Immaculate Heart.  I saw with the eyes of my heart an open doorway lined with pink roses.  Not feeling worthy at all, I asked her for the grace to enter inside her heart.  Once inside, I felt the joy of the Holy Spirit, her spouse.  Then I saw her Son, Jesus, as a Eucharistic Host in the center of her heart.  I worshipped, and adored, and praised, and thanked, and loved my Lord, my God, and my King!

            During Mass, Jesus gave Himself to me totally and completely in the Eucharist.  Settled inside His Mother Mary’s Heart, inside my heart, Jesus said, “Now you can give Me away to the poor.”

            I’ve been learning so much from reading Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska’s Diary.  The following three quotes particularly touched my heart:

“That God is infinitely merciful, no one can deny.  He desires everyone to know this before He comes as Judge.  He wants souls to come to know Him first as King of Mercy…But God has promised a great grace especially to you [Father Sopocko] and to all those…who will proclaim My great mercy.  I shall protect them Myself at the hour of death, as My own glory.  And even if the sins of souls were as dark as night, when the sinner turns to My mercy, he gives Me the greatest praise and is the glory of My Passion.  When a soul extols My goodness, Satan trembles before it and flees to the very bottom of hell.” (Diary, #378)

“Souls who spread the honor of My mercy I shield through their entire lives as a tender mother her infant, and at the hour of death I will not be a Judge for them, but the Merciful Savior.  At that last hour, a soul has nothing with which to defend itself except My mercy.  Happy is the soul that during its lifetime immersed itself in the Fountain of Mercy, because justice will have no hold on it.”  (Diary, #1075)

“My daughter, tell souls that I am giving them My mercy as a defense.  I Myself am fighting for them and am bearing the just anger of My Father.” (Diary, #1516)

A week later, the Tuesday after Easter, I was praying the rosary in the Eucharistic Adoration Chapel with a handful of parishioners after daily Mass.  Thinking about my unworthiness, and feeling the anguish of my guilt and shame, I was aware of a deep wound in my soul.  I saw with the eyes of my heart that I was a little girl with a broken heart.  I saw Mary, the Mother of God, my Blessed Mother, sitting to the left of Jesus in the Eucharistic Host displayed in the golden monstrance.  Mary gently picked me up and placed me on her lap for awhile.  Then she lifted me up to give me to her Son, Jesus.  I saw Jesus hanging on the Cross, with all of His Open Wounds on His Body.  I wrapped my little arms around Jesus’ Body, hugging Him.  Jesus’ Precious Blood flowed out of His Wounds and into the wound in my soul.  At that moment, Jesus healed me!  Jesus healed my soul!  Praise God!  Halleluia!  “He himself bore our sins in his body upon the cross, so that, free from sin, we might live for righteousness.  By his wounds you have been healed.” (1 Peter 2:24)

“My Sweet Jesus, I love You!  I thank you with all my heart and soul for Your Compassionate Mercy upon me, a poor sinner.  I was dead in my sins, but because You love me, You offered Yourself in atonement for my sins, and You poured your Precious Blood into the wound in my soul, healing me!  You graciously blessed me with Your Holy Mother Mary, who gave me her heart, beating with the joy and life of her spouse, the Holy Spirit.  Jesus, you lovingly willed to dwell inside Your Mother’s Pure and Humble Heart, inside of little me, just as You rested incarnate inside Her Holy Womb.  Blessed be the Name of our Lord Jesus forever, who dwells inside the new Ark of the Covenant, Mary, the Mother of God!

Thank you, Precious Mary, my Blessed, Holy Mother, for giving me your heart.  I don’t deserve your generous kindness.  Thank you for loving me anyway, and blessing me with the grace of a deeper conversion.  I could not stay the same as I was.   I had to change.  I humbly and lovingly ask for the grace to be attentive to who God is calling me to be now.  Virgin Mary, please help me to follow your Son, Jesus, as He leads me to love Him deeper, to serve Him in the poor, and like Peter, to feed His Lambs.  In Jesus’ Holy and Precious Name I pray, Amen!”

“When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?  He said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.’  He said to him, ‘Feed my lambs.’” (John 21:15)

Lent & Easter 2017

            When I prayed the Joyful Mysteries of the rosary this Monday morning of Holy Week, the day after Palm Sunday, I had the sense that Jesus was going to show His Love for me, which was what I prayed for all forty days of Lent.  Father Pat Martin promised me that if I prayed the rosary every morning during Lent, the way that he said to pray it, that God would answer a personal intention of mine.  Father Pat said that instead of praying for my personal intention, I needed to ask Mary, the Mother of God, to help me to see God’s love for me today.

Wow!  What a life-changing prayer!  What a weapon against negative thoughts!  There’s no room for putting myself down, or judging the people in my life, when I’m too busy thinking about God loving just me, just today.  When I feel loved, and healed, and whole in God’s eyes, then I have a greater capacity in my heart to be more kind, gentle, merciful, and sensitive to the needs of those around me, and to help them know God’s love for them.

The answer came in the afternoon when I knelt down to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet.  I remembered a new prayer that Father Pat taught our parish recently.  He said to pray every day, “For the love of Jesus, I offer up my sufferings to the Lord for the salvation of souls.”  I was thinking about the various sufferings that I endure in my life, but when I started to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet, all of a sudden, I was aware and struck by Jesus’ sufferings that He offered up to His Heavenly Father for the salvation of the world.  My sufferings are only a tiny speck compared to the magnitude of Jesus’ sufferings.  The merit of my sufferings is so very tiny compared to the vast merit of Jesus’ sufferings, because He suffered out of tremendous, self-less, unconditional, merciful love!

In prayer, I saw with the eyes of my heart, Jesus crucified, with His Precious Blood, flowing down from the wounds in His Body.  I saw myself as an empty gold chalice, catching and holding Jesus’ Blood in the center of the chalice, until it filled up to the brim.  As I prayed the Divine Mercy Chaplet, I lifted up the chalice to the Lord, offering God my Father the Blood of His Son, Jesus.  Praying each bead of the Divine Mercy Chaplet caused the chalice to fill anew with Jesus’ Blood, so I could offer it up to God again, and again!

It reminded me of how so many times in prayer I would see with the eyes of my heart, Mary, drawing strength, mercy, and love from Jesus’ Blood to fuel the graces and blessings she bestowed on her children in answer to their prayers.  I understood that Jesus was, “showing His love for me today,” by blessing me with a special gift, a unique capacity to do what Mary was doing, to draw forth from Jesus’ Precious Blood salvation for souls, by offering up His Blood to our Heavenly Father.  Now I understood more clearly the meaning of the, “special devotion of emptying myself,” that Mary had given to me in prayer about a year ago.

Jesus told Saint Faustina in the middle of a storm to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet, and the storm would cease.  When the storm stopped at once, He said to her, “Through the chaplet you will obtain everything, if what you ask for is compatible with My will.”  (Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska, #1731)  This is where I can pray for my personal intentions, and obtain the ones that are in line with God’s will.  All I have to do is trust in the power of Jesus’ Precious Blood, as I offer up Jesus’ sufferings to God the Father for the salvation of souls.  Jesus, I trust in You!

Usually, I practice the Easter music with my choir each year, and attend the Masses four nights in a row – Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Vigil on Saturday night after sunset, and Sunday morning with my family.  Well, this year I got sick after the Holy Thursday’s foot washing Mass, and I couldn’t go to any Masses the rest of the weekend!  I was in bed for three days.

Usually, I would take over-the-counter medicines to ease my pain and suffering, but I remembered Father Pat Martin talking about how people tend to do everything possible to avoid pain, rather than embrace pain like Jesus did on the Cross.  A very small nudging from Mary, deep in my soul, caused me to consider the salvation of souls, and decide to offer up my pain for the love of Jesus.  I’m sure Ibuprofen would have taken away my body aches, but I wanted to be close to Jesus this Holy Week.  I wanted to leave room for God to show me how He was loving me each day, by allowing me to participate in some very small way, in His Passion.

On the third day, Easter Sunday, I was laying in my bed with uncomfortable, constant pain in both of my knees for about three hours.  I was waiting upon the Lord to heal me when He was ready.  I kept thinking about how the Lord healed St. Padre Pio’s stigmata right before he died.  I thought the Lord could heal me at any moment, too.  Then, with the eyes of my heart, I saw Mary kiss my left knee, and Jesus kiss my right knee.  In an instant, the pain was gone from my knees!  Praise God! 

A few minutes later, I realized that the pain had merely moved to my thighs, which was still uncomfortable, but not as concentrated.  A few hours later, the pain completely left my body, and I had the best night sleep of the whole weekend!  Praise God!

I remember I was praying in particular for four people while I was sick, offering up my sufferings for them.  On the Tuesday after Easter, while praying the Sorrowful Mysteries of the rosary, I saw with the eyes of my heart, Jesus, carrying His Cross.  On top of the crossbeam were seated in a row, the four people I had been praying for.  Jesus was carrying them!  Jesus showed me that when they are in heaven, looking back at this time in their lives, they will see how God brought forth tremendous good out of their sufferings!

I also remember during prayer, for the love of Jesus, giving my sufferings to Mary, my holy Mother, like giving her a chalice.  I humbly and lovingly asked her to purify my sufferings, and offer them to God our Father for the salvation of souls.  I was wondering how Mary could purify my sufferings.  Then Jesus showed me during the Sorrowful Mysteries of the rosary that He offers His Own Blood for each and every person, and gives His Blood to Mary to purify the sufferings of each person before she offers our sufferings up to God our Father!  Wow!  I love how Jesus and Mary work so beautifully together for love of us, and wanting us to be with them forever in heaven.

I can’t help saying Happy Easter!   Jesus is Alive!   He is risen!   Halleluia!

Laced With Love

                 I had the most incredible week about four years ago, as God held my poor soul in His Hand.  Every single day, and sometimes multiple times per day, the Lord arranged a heart-to-heart conversation for me with one of my closest family members or friends.  I even spilled my guts to my mother-in-law, holding nothing back, which I don’t think I would have done, except for my sheer exhaustion, and the fact that I drank a rare wine-cooler.

                On the weekend I attended the Catholic Women’s Conference.  I wasn’t even sure I would be able to go because of soccer games for my children, but the Lord cleared the way for me.  There were 1,340 women who attended!  On Friday night, the first day of the conference, there was a Eucharistic Healing Service and Benediction.

                I didn’t know what to expect going into the conference.  This was my first one.  But, I knew that God was up to something.  I could feel it in my soul.

                During the healing service I found myself kneeling on the carpet in front of my folding chair, clinging to the chair in front of me, as tears rolled down my cheeks.  We were adoring Jesus in the Eucharist on the alter at the front of the room, while Marie Miller played her guitar, and Mother Adela Galindo sang so beautifully.  The Holy Spirit seemed to hover above us, touching our hearts, and healing our inner wounds.

                The next day, on Saturday, I listened attentively to the speakers, closing my eyes many times, and soaking in, breathing in, God’s Words to me.  I was especially touched by Sonja Corbitt’s witness of how the Lord worked in her life to bring about inner healing.  She talked about what she thought was her reality versus the Lord’s truth in her life, the Lord’s reality.  She also talked about not wanting to do what God was asking her to do, and how she learned that being obedient to God set her free.  She said the struggles we face are actually gifts from God that cause us to grow in our faith, and grow closer to God.

                Her words hit a chord deep inside me.  I recognized my own resistance to face my cross, and to do what God was asking me to do.  I felt powerless to change myself.  I lacked courage to take the next step on my own.

                I rushed home, leaving the conference a little early to get ready for my daughter’s homecoming dinner for her friends in our home.  The next several hours were hectic, putting the King Ranch Casseroles in the oven, cleaning the bathroom that my kids left for me to do, taking pictures of dressed-up teen-agers, serving dinner, cleaning the kitchen, and putting everything back where it belonged, including the clutter that was temporarily hidden in my bedroom.

                Finally, late at night, after my husband left to drive my daughter to Houston for a soccer game the next day, I slumped into my rocking chair in my bedroom.  I couldn’t rest, though.  I felt like I was sitting in a “hot seat” in the Lord’s Holy Presence.  This was not the first time that I have been under scrutiny in the Lord’s Hands.  All month He had been revealing, and exposing, large chunks of sin in my heart, only to bring them to light and heal me.  I knew I was in for it this time.  I had nowhere to hide.

                I could imagine God the Father holding my soul with both Hands.  I was in for some serious spiritual surgery.  Through my tears and sorrowful groans, all I could do was to place my hope and faith and trust in my God.  He brought me to this point.  He knew exactly what He was doing.

                In prayer, Jesus took me on a journey deep into my heart, and my memory as a little child.  He asked me to search for and find my earliest memory.  From there we walked together through many images, some pitifully sad, and some jubilantly happy, some horribly scary, and some pleasingly beautiful.  Jesus showed me that in all my memories, He was with me, and His Mother, Mary, was with me, too.  I was surprised, especially about Mary, because I never felt close to her when I was young.  I had an ongoing, growing relationship with Jesus, but not with Mary.  It wasn’t until a few years ago that I fell in love with Mary.

                In my young painful memories, especially, I just wasn’t aware of Jesus and Mary being with me.  Jesus showed me that my reality, my perceptions, were not the same as God’s truth, His reality.  So many times I couldn’t see the whole picture with Jesus and Mary at my side, loving me, but that truth was still there.  Jesus and Mary laced all my memories with their love for me!  Jesus showed me how there were times, when He lavished His Love upon me, through my family and friends, and even through the beauty of nature – the wondrous smell of freshly mowed green grass, and the joyous sound of tress clapping their multitude of hand-like leaves in the wind.

                Jesus and Mary sweetened and healed my memories with their beauty and love.  In my mind they brought me to a sandy beach at the edge of an ocean.  There were footprints scattered all over the beach, the same size as Jesus’ feet, covering all the traces to my memories.  All my past painful memories were dissolved in the ocean of God’s Mercy and Love.  Mary was running around and dropping her white daisies of grace all over the beach on top of the footprints that Jesus was leaving everywhere in the sand.

                Jesus said to my heart, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life!”  I knew that God the Father was blessing me with the opportunity and the grace to start all over again.  I cannot turn back.  I can only go forward in the knowledge of Jesus and Mary’s love for me, God’s truth, His reality.

                In prayer the next morning before going to Sunday Mass, in my mind, Jesus showed me a big glass bowl of holy oil.  He stuck His thumb in the oil and smeared it across my forehead to bless me.  Then He showed me a big glass bowl of baptismal water.  He sprinkled the water on my head to purify me.   Then Jesus showed me a big chalice of wine, His Precious Blood.  He said to drink the whole chalice, to wash away my sins!  Lastly, Jesus showed me another big glass bowl filled with white daises of grace from Mary, to delight me.

 Jesus spoke to my heart again.  He said, “I want you to offer yourself to Me as a sacrifice on the alter during Mass.”  Jesus was asking me to die to myself so that I could live for Him.  Imitating Mary, His Mother, I said, “Yes, Lord, may it be done to me according to Your Word.”

                There were three deaths to self that morning at Mass.  The whole congregation prayed for the safety of a young man who had decided to sacrifice himself for his country, by joining the Marines.  Together, we extended our hands over him in prayer.  Right before the Liturgy of the Eucharist, Monsignor Pat announced that one of our parishioners passed away thirty minutes ago, so he was going to offer the Mass for her.  Silently, I offered myself to Mary, the Mother of God, and humbly and lovingly asked her to please prepare my heart, mind, and soul, and offer me to her Son, Jesus.

                I was overjoyed to receive Jesus in Holy Communion!  In my mind, He was dressed like a groom, and I was dressed like a bride in a white dress, purified by His Precious Blood, and I was wearing a crown of white daisies of grace, from Mary, in my hair.  Jesus scooped me up in His Arms!  I have nowhere to go except for the Arms of Jesus.  “Jesus, into Your Hands, I commit my spirit.”

                This morning the Lord woke me up at 4:05 a.m.  On my knees in prayer, He showed me what He had done for me.  He spoke to my heart saying, “I restored your soul.  I healed your soul.  I purified your soul, and made it innocent like the soul of a little child.” 

                Oh, my Lord, and my God, and my King!  My soul magnifies You!  My spirit rejoices in God, my Savior!  I am a mere nothing, and You have reached down and grabbed my poor soul out of the depths.  You cleansed me.  You healed me.  You set me free!  I promise I will love You, and serve You, and follow You all the days of my life.  I am so in debt to Your Love, Mercy, and Compassion upon me.  I can’t even begin to repay what You have done for me.

Thank You, Lord, that all things are possible with You.  Thank you, Lord, for giving me a fresh start.  Thank You, Lord, for lacing me in the love of Jesus and Mary.  Thank You, Lord, for blessing me with the courage to take the next step in my journey with You.  Oh, Jesus, words cannot express my gratitude for You.  Instead, I just give You my heart, swelling with love for You!  Amen!

Face to Face with Myself

          “Never before have I experienced a part of me dying as strongly as I do now.  I praise God because it is bringing me closer to Him.”

            I had written this in my journal at a time in my life when I struggled and changed deep within.  Because of my rigid morals and self-discipline, my life had become painfully empty.  Ever since I could remember, I had suffered from being too hard on myself.  I set high moral expectations of myself as well as high academic and track standards, but I never satisfied the demands upon me when I reached them.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not please myself.  I could not accept myself, nor could I love myself.  I tried everything I could to please other people, so that they would accept me, but deep down inside I silently cried just for me to love myself.

            In eighth grade, I was an honors student.  I was also a hermit.  Every day after track practice I would go home from school and do my homework until dinner, and then again until bedtime.  I did not have many friends, so I did not go out much.  I tried to do the best that I could in everything, especially in homework, so it did not surprise me that at the end of my eighth grade year I had the highest academic average out of the entire class.  I imagined it made my parents love me more, and maybe even my closest friends admired me more, but I still could not love or accept myself.

            After a while I really began to feel like I lived my life in vain.  Why did I try so hard, and aim so high?  For what purpose was I living when I could not even be happy with myself or anything I did?

            My life stood motionless, an empty structure, an empty frame.  Nothing seemed to have any meaning or definition.  I felt like a cold stone wall separating myself from true joy and true happiness, because I refused to embrace my other self with the love I cried out for day and night.

            Something blocked the way in order for me to come face to face with myself.  The foundation of my life, the morals, the discipline, and the coldness had to be cleared out first so that I could know the true warmth of love.  All my life I had avoided this moment, but now it was time to face up to it, no matter how scary, no matter how painful.

            I eagerly participated in a retreat weekend, at Cedarbrake.  I was excited to be with many people my age and to spend the weekend in a wooden lodge in the middle of a beautiful, green forest learning more about God and how to have a closer walk with the Lord.  I had been praying earlier for God to help me change my life.  I wanted to be free of the wall that separated me from loving myself and loving other people.  I thought that if I could love myself, I could be less severe in the demands I made upon myself.  I wanted to die to myself, to the part of me that had no mercy, so that I could live fully the life God intended me to have.  Up until now, my thoughts were mostly self-centered.  There was hardly any room to think about the cares and needs of the people around me.  I was always so worried about doing my homework and living up to my morals that I judged people more than I loved them.  I wanted to be less selfish, less judgmental of people, and more loving.  I had no idea what was about to take place.  I did not know that God would take my prayers so seriously.

            “Hi, Father Brennan.”

            “Hello, are you ready for your confession?”

            “Yes.”

            “O.K., now tell me what’s been on your mind?”

            “Well…lately I’ve been judging people, and I know it’s wrong.”

            “Can you tell me why you’ve been judging people?”

            “I think it’s because I have a set of morals that I measure people up with, and if they do things that I think are wrong, then I look down on them.”

            “Are you self-righteous?”

            “Very!  When I see people who do bad things, like watch videos, or wear a lot of make-up, or dress in the latest fashion, or gossip on the telephone, I think of myself as righteous compared to them because I don’t do those things.”

            “Is there anything else that’s been bothering you?”

            “Yes, I think the root of the whole problem is that I’ve always been so hard on myself.  I have these high expectations and demands that I try to live up to, but I’m never happy with myself when I do.”

            “It looks like to me that there is a lack of love.”

            “Yes, probably.”

            “Let’s pray for a while, then I want you to tell God that you are sorry…”  We prayed, and then Father Brennan waited for me to repent.

            “I’m trying.”

            “Let’s try again.”  He waited a long time.

            “I can’t.”  I stood to my feet and walked outside of the chapel and into the forest.

            Never in my entire life had I not been able to tell God I was sorry, until now.  How could I apologize for a part of me that was so ingrained into my being, that to rip it out would cause immense pain and suffering?  I would have to die to a part of me.  I would have to destroy the self-righteousness that was me.  From this moment on, my life was to change forever.  Horribly shocked, I came face to face with myself.  For the first time I came in contact with the dark side of my heart, my other self.  It was hideous.  How could this black, ugly, sinful thing be me?  Yet it was.  I had ignored it and suppressed it all my life.  I had tried to make myself believe it wasn’t there.  No, this could not be me.  Yes, it was.  Yes, I acknowledged it.  Yes, this is me.  I had always thought that I was almost perfect, nothing like what I saw now.  I always thought I was such a good person, and that I hardly sinned at all.  How could I have possibly known what I was really like on the inside?  Nothing in the world could hold back the tears that flooded my face.  What did God think of me?  He must have known all along.  He must have loved me anyway, knowing the darkness that was there in my heart.  How could I have been so blind for so long?

            I was kneeling in the rocks in the hot sun, trying to imagine God as a great, big merciful God, and crying bitterly over the anguish in my soul.

            “I can’t leave you like this.”  It was Father Brennan, walking back towards the lodge.

            “I’m trying to tell God I’m sorry.”

            “Things like this take time.  You can’t do it all at once.”  He helped me to my feet.

            “How long will it take?”

            “As long as it takes for God to give you an inner healing.”

            “Why does it have to be so painful?”

            “Because it’s growth, and growth is painful.”

            That night I fell silent before the Lord.  He planted a seed in my heart that was to grow and replace the former foundation and structure of my life.  The roots to this seed were strong enough to demolish the cold stone wall that separated myself from acceptance and love.  The leaves to this seed found sunshine not in my morals but in the love I was able to share with other people.  The stem grew up straight and tall, poking a hole through my highest expectation, and the flower that blossomed so beautifully expressed a whole new me.

Journal Entry - Day 2

Thursday, January 19, 2017

            I was debating whether or not to pray the rosary…I hadn’t taken a shower yet, and I spent my morning on time sensitive tasks that needed to be done.  I still had more work to do on the computer, but it was getting close to lunchtime, and I was hungry.  I didn’t want to feel guilty about not praying the rosary at the beginning of my day.  I decided to pray anyway, everything on my mind could wait twenty minutes.

            I prayed the Luminous Mysteries.  I was struck by a phrase in the, “Hail Holy Queen,” prayer at the end of the rosary.  It was, “To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve.”  I never thought of myself as a child of Eve before.  Then, in prayer, I could see myself like a little girl dressed in dirty rags of sin, in desperate need of knowing that my mother loved me, and that my Savior came to wash away my sins.  I felt like a banished child.

            At that moment, Jesus came to me, to give me a spiritual communion!  I was overjoyed, and relieved, since I hadn’t been to daily Mass all week.  I said to Jesus, “Ah, Lord!  I am so not worthy that You should enter under my roof!  But only say the Word, and my soul shall be healed.”   I saw Jesus with the eyes of my heart.  First, He handed me His Body, in the form of a Eucharistic Host.  He spoke to my heart, saying, “This is My Body, broken for you.”  In my mind, I took the Host in my hands, and ate it.  Then Jesus handed me a chalice filled with wine.  He spoke to my heart again, saying, “This is My Blood, shed for the forgiveness of your sins.”  In my mind, I took the chalice of wine, and sipped it.

              I prayed to Jesus, “Oh, Jesus, I am so sorry for my sins!  Please forgive me.  Please wash my sins clean away with Your Precious Blood.  I open the doors of my heart, my mind, my soul, and my life to You!  Please come into my heart, my mind, my soul, and my life!  Please come dwell in me that I may dwell in You!  Please help me to die to myself and live for You.  Please help me to pick up my cross each day and follow You.  Please help me to empty myself for You, my special devotion.  Please help me to walk humbly, lovingly, faithfully, truthfully, and with the fear of the Lord, before You all the days of my life.  Jesus, please help me to make lots of room for You in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, and in my life.  Come, Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Your faithful.  Kindle in us the fire of Your love.  Send forth Your Spirit, and we shall be created, and You shall renew the face of the earth!”

            Then, in prayer, I saw myself as a little girl sitting beside Mary’s lap.  Something amazing happened!  I saw with the eyes of my heart, Jesus giving to Mary many Holy Spirit Doves.  They were flying all around her.  She kept them close to her with her mantle.  Jesus spoke to my heart.  He said, “I will impress Myself upon you.”  I saw Jesus put Himself like a little Eucharistic Host inside the hearts of all the Holy Spirit Doves.  I understood that Jesus was going to work through me to give away all the Holy Spirit Doves to the people around me.  Jesus was going to baptize many people with the Holy Spirit through me!  Praise the Lord!  Bless His Holy Name forever!

Eucharistic Miracle

                I went on my first ACTS (Adoration, Community, Theology, Service) retreat twelve years ago.  It was our second Women’s ACTS retreat for our beloved parish.  Before the retreat, I didn’t think my walk with the Lord could get any better or closer.  I was so wrong!  It seems to me that God never runs out of intimate ways to reveal Himself to us.

                I had experienced many beautiful, powerful encounters with Jesus growing up in the Catholic Charismatic Renewal.  I participated in weekly prayer meetings with my mother, and then on my own in college, and after I got married.  I witnessed first hand God’s incredible healing love poured forth abundantly upon His people.  In amazement and wonder, I soaked it all in.  I went into the ACTS retreat convinced that my relationship with Jesus was all that it could be.  Little did I know that God’s will for me was quite different.  I cannot get over His tender mercy, faithfulness, and patience with me.

                The ACTS retreat was the perfect setting to draw even closer to God.  James 4:8a says, “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.”  I experienced Jesus drawing near both spiritually, on Saturday night, and physically on Sunday morning.

                During the dinner on Saturday night, I remember thinking that it would have been nice to drink wine instead of grape juice.  I literally had not slept for two nights due to my over-excitement just being at the retreat.  I acknowledged the small sacrifice we were making, by drinking grape juice, even though I would have preferred to make that evening more special with wine.

                Back in my room, I tried to fall asleep, and couldn’t.  I lay for several hours until finally I got down on my knees to pray, with the intention of asking Jesus why I couldn’t fall asleep.  That was all the Lord needed.  He had been waiting for me.  He had something new to show me.  In the Renewal, the Lord blessed many people with visions to confirm the reality of His love for us and to aid in our healing.  I had been content with the fact that I did not have the gift of seeing visions.  I figured that the Lord knew best what I needed, and that it wasn’t necessary for my faith in Jesus.

 But, Oh!, I didn’t know what I was missing!  James 1:17a says, “all good giving and every perfect gift  is from above, coming down from the Father of lights,…”  My spiritual life took on a whole new dimension that night.  I could see things with the eyes of my heart that I could not see before.  My prayer life will never be the same.  Luke 11:13 says, “If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?"

On Sunday morning at the 10:30 return Mass in the cafeteria, Jesus drew near once again.  I will never forget the tears of joy in her eyes, when a dear friend of mine, who had been at the retreat and who was a Eucharistic Minister, told me how afraid she was of running out of wine during Holy Communion.  She only had two sips left in the chalice, and she still had a long line of retreatants to serve.  The tears ran down her cheeks as she told me how the cup of wine, Jesus’ Blood, did not run dry.  She kept looking into the chalice, expecting it to be empty, but there was always enough wine for the next person.  I recalled the sensation of wine bubbling up from the bottom of the cup when I took a sip.  I was struck by the thought that Jesus took our grape juice sacrifice over the weekend, and turned it into an abundant wine blessing, a miracle!

                I learned from my ACTS retreat that there are new heights of joy to discover in knowing Jesus.  There are surprising depths of love yet to experience, and there is an unshakable peace in seeking and doing God’s will that never grows old.

My Testimony - God is Real!

              Saint Paul said to Timothy, “…do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord.” 2 Timothy 1: 8  When I read this, I realized that the Lord was asking me to write down my testimony.  It is my story about the first time that the Lord revealed His undeniable Holy Presence to me.  I did not initiate it.  He did.  I read God’s Holy Word many times before this encounter, but nothing like this happened to me until this very special night.

            It was late, about 11:00 at night.  I was living in New York with my family.  I was a Junior in high school.  I had just finished my homework, and I was very tired, but I decided to read the bible before going to bed.  I was in the habit of just letting the pages of my bible fall open to wherever God wanted me to read.

            This night the pages fell open to Romans, chapter 4.  I began reading about how Abraham was justified by faith, and not by his works.  “What then can we say that Abraham found, our ancestor according to the flesh?  Indeed, if Abraham was justified on the basis of his works, he had reason to boast; but this was not so in the sight of God.  For what does scripture say? ‘Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.’  A worker’s wage is credited not as a gift, but as something due.” Romans 4: 1-4

            As I read these words, I felt as if God was speaking directly to my heart.  When I read, “justified on the basis of works,” I immediately thought about my homework and my grades.  I was trying so hard to please everybody – my parents and my teachers, especially.  I had the 3^rd highest grade point average in my class of 200 students.  I was woefully sleep-deprived from being on the cross-country running team, and trying to keep up with my homework.  I was very hard on myself.  I realized that I was pleasing everybody else, but I was not happy.  No matter how hard I worked, I didn’t feel justified.  There was something missing.  I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I was empty inside, hurting, and lonely.

            I was surprised at how the words in the bible came alive.  How did God know that those words would touch me so deeply?  I felt like God was with me, full of wisdom, and shedding light on my inmost thoughts.

            I read, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.”  This thought was so freeing!  All I had to do was to believe in God!  I could still work hard, but it is the Lord who justifies me, and takes care of my righteousness.  I didn’t need to carry that burden.

In the next bible verse I read, “A worker’s wage is credited not as a gift, but as something due.”  I felt like something was due to me because of all my hard work, however, the concept of a “gift” captured my attention.

            I was still in awe about the power of God’s Word when I realized that I was not alone.  The Holy Presence of the Lord filled my bedroom, my heart, my mind, and my very soul.  I felt God’s Love for me like never before.  The Lord spoke to my heart so clearly.  He said, “I am the same God as the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.  I am giving you three gifts that you cannot earn.  I give you My Love, I give you My Salvation, and I will hold your hand all the days of your life!”

            I was stunned.  I was smiling from ear to ear, and crying, because God’s Love for me was so strong, and so real!  My nose was running, but I couldn’t move to get a tissue.  I felt like my legs were paralyzed as I sat on my bed.

            A week before this happened, my Christian boyfriend put his hands on my head and prayed for God to become real to me.  The Lord answered his prayers!

            After awhile, I was able to move my legs and go get a tissue.  I was praising God and thanking Him for blessing me with such beautiful gifts.  I called my boyfriend, even though it was late, and I told him what happened.  The next week I told everyone what happened at the Catholic Charismatic prayer meeting, that I attended each week with my mom.  This is my testimony.  I cannot wipe this smile off my face or erase this joy from my heart for all that the Lord has done for me!

            Saint Paul also tells Timothy, “…stir into flame the gift of God that you have through the imposition of my hands.”  2 Timothy 1: 6   So now, I will stir into flame these gifts, for you.  The Lord has shown me many times that the gifts He blesses me with are not just for me.  He asks me to give them away.  God asks me to give Him away, to share Him.

            So, I want you to know that the gifts God gave to me, He is giving to you, too.  Yes, God is blessing you with three gifts that you cannot earn.  The Lord is blessing you with His Love.  The Lord is blessing you with His Salvation.  And, the Lord will hold your hand all the days of your life!  God is blessing you with His Very Self, through His Holy Word, and His Holy Eucharist.  Praise the Lord and thank Him!  Jesus loves you!!

            This is my prayer for you:  “Oh, Sweet Jesus, please place Your pierced Hands on the heads of all those who believe in You.  Merciful Jesus, please make Yourself known to them.  May You become real to them!  In Jesus’ Name I pray, Amen!!” 

“For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control.”  2 Timothy 1: 7